How are you?

Ever since one learns grammar, it is taught that 'How are you?' is to be replied with 'Fine, thank you'. Since the past few days this automated response has been pricking like a needle stuck in soul. Whenever someone calls/chats/leaves a message, I feel like screaming - 'No buddy I am not fine.' But I know that even that would elicit some more questioning, and I just dont have the replies for that. Most of them are my own undoings. Even to family (whether through calls or chats) I simply mumble the standard reply. They wouldnt understand. And I cant explain. Which actually leaves this place as a last resort to spill the bile out. Not that it helps. But still, it feels that I am talking to someone without being cross questioned.

On my other blog also, the mood has changed a bit, even though I did not mean to do it. I guess, the blog and the blogger cannot be separated; and, often what the latter feels comes through sub-consciously on the former.

Life is overall a complete stand still right now. Any effort to push it brings myriad dreams but no single realisation. I have stopped doing that now, till the time someone comes and shoves me.

It is strange that for the past two years things have gone so woefully off track that I just cannot find my bearings. Even the mantra of living a day as it comes, and to find happiness in small things is taking its heavy toll. I cannot continue doing it.

Sigh - its another weekend around the corner. Monday brings boss here. I have no good foreboding about his visit. Even though I await it, I just hope the shove is not here this soon. I am not really ready for it. Or am I?