Hardwork, Destiny, Confidence, Failure

Sometimes its not about success per se. It is about confidence. Self confidence, rather. Today I feel I have lost it. I have sunk deep into a hopeless quagmire. The slush around me is dark, deep and ominous. Coming out needs efforts. The energy is sapped. Since the effort is not full fledged, more failures come by. Another failure and the barometer of confidence plummets further - nearly fatal levels - it is a damning vicious circle. The alarm bells are ringing, psychedelic panic lights are blinking, nagging vibrations are buzzing. All this only aids to elevate than alleviate the problem.

Yet, at another level it is not about hardwork alone. There is destiny somewhere around. It tugs and tosses humans in random motions. It is like the tide that can tosses the boat anyway it pleases. After success reaches you, it is easy to brush off destiny. Every successful person does it. It is not right. Success is a combination of work and luck- in even proportions. One wrong ingredient, the concoction is failure. And till the time you swim in murky failed waters, you can feel destiny's hot and vile breath on your neck - wringing your collar, strangulating your life-force.

Sample this - I give a proposal to a company. At this stage it has become 'the' deal. Everyone is watching me to close it. But, it is stuck. Will two visits a week move the deal, rather than one? Maybe. Maybe not. Why cannot it come through on its own, considering that my portion is over? Why do I have to do these 'rigorous follow ups' - and dammit, its more than six months now. I guess my one-half ingredient is fetid. Fragrance of success will elude me some more.

Anyways, no more cribbing. I have lost it. And given it up. Now, the point is how to put it across to powers-that-be. Maybe, the need will not arise. I talked about something developing. Perhaps I will find an easy route out. Hell, again I have to rely on the same destiny. So, it means that development will not pull through? If not, then why was I shown that dream? Can someone up there stop showing me dreams that will not see reality? I did not go out looking for that dream. Thank you, it was sent to me. On my gmail account. Now, if it has to be fulfilled, can someone up there please hurry it up also?

Destiny - trust me, I love you. And please be with me. I am a weak person. I need successes to carry on. Else, the pain of holding my disintegrating self together is killing me!