Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Lataji ... You have made life sweet and worthwhile. Thank you for every song.

Friday - What Makes Me Write On This Day?

I am unsure why I have written these many posts on Friday. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that it marks an end to yet another week - it's a subtle time-slotting. Here, I stack another utterly mundane, dreadfully plain and tastelessly soggy week on the time-shelf.

Last week I went back home. The insulation of feelings has reached a stage where I felt nothing - neither excitement at reaching, nor sadness at leaving. My mother did shed a few tears lamenting I had come for a very short time. Even then I was devoid of any feelings. I have become a wound that has dried and hardened. The pain is somewhere beneath the crust, yet the touch does not yield any sensation.

Due to the heavy rains the top management colleague was unable to arrive in Delhi. His aircraft got diverted to another city. It was a small relief. I was ill-prepared for the review. And I will not hesitate to add that all throughout the flight home I was inwardly praying for it to get postponed. The heart thumped throughout the day as latest news of his awry flight schedule trickled in - while the rains showered with an hitherto unknown fury over Delhi skies. At that time, it seemed as if my chest was in a tight clamp; an odd sensation within; a fear, a coldness.

Well, between my boss and myself, a new person has been introduced - 'to help, guide and lead' as I was told. Translated to plain English it meant - 'Dude, you have screwed up badly there, so we are giving a new person the charge even though you might continue for sometime'. This new person and the boss were here for a short while. The boss left early, the person stayed back for a day more. Till now, we are still enveloped in the cloud of 'polite' introductions. Soon, this will evaporate and the residual reality will stick out in its putridity. Primarily because I dont really foresee myself adjusting to this new development; more, because the end product, the company as such remains the same. That sucks. And I cannot fall in love with it. Compromise, yes - but done that for a year; anymore, the effort is painful. So, once again I await for that providence and luck to bail me out.

Strangely, with this one tier in between, and the 'polite introductory stage' morphin taking over, I am lulled into a sort of comfort-ness. That strong fear is dulled. I am not really feeling sad or morbid. This gives rise to another scare - if I am not sad, does that mean that sorrow is just a step away? It usually is. I must feel haunted. I should wallow. I can't be comfortable. It is not right.

Well, as I said, another week went by. Let's see what the next brings. Am I allowed to hope for the best?

When Will This Deadlock End?

One year completed in this city and country. One year that I got into an impossible deadlock which refuses to open up or cave out. Horribly, the situation is just sucking in even more irretrievably. Reprieve is nowhere in sight.

Two days back I just thought of giving life a push - leave the job, this city and country. Return home, and probably search for the track that got lost somewhere two years back. But, sadly did not muster up enough courage. Mainly due to the expectant faces of parents. Did not have the heart to tell them that their son has failed yet again. I know they would understand, I know they would rally around me, I know they would care. But it is all this which hurts. Their love and care and concern would kill me internally. How often will I fail? How often will I stumble? How often will I not achieve my goals?

Please, God, please - give me my path back. I beg of you. The pain is unbearable now. Impossibly unbearable. I am now scared what this pain will lead me to do. Apni vahshat se darr lagne laga hai ...

Enough...but is it enough!

Today morning I woke up and resolved I will not be sad. I stepped out of the room. Took deep breaths. Looked up at the skies. Absorbed positive energies from the skies. Told self - all will be well. There will be a good news. There will be positivity. I got ready singing loudly. I worked diligently, pushing mind off any thoughts. I attended several meetings. Did not think. All will be well. It's a great day. It is sunny also today. God is looking at me, smiling. He will do something great today. It went off well...

...yet it snapped. When evening came. And nothing else did. No good news. Another problem, though. The night settled in. So did the heaviness. It was a same day like the past. Only, I had fooled myself. There was no innate happiness in it. I just covered it with a suffocating polythene of false happiness.

No...this is not enough. I dont want to pretend that all is well, and then claim that all has actually become well. I want intrinsic happiness, even if it comes from the materialistic things that I crave for.

Gaya phir aaj ka din udaas karke mujhe...*

* Lyric from film Dil Ashna Hai

Lost

Remember I told about some development that will see me through. Well, that has also got stuck. No response. No replies. Now what? Believe in myself? Have Faith? Hold on? To what!!! To whom!!! Forget it, all these are words, platitudes and simply ineffective balms. I am lost and gone!!!!

If I am not dead by now, it is only because all means of suicide are painful, and I am scared of that. It has nothing to do with courage or the spirit to fight.

How are you?

Ever since one learns grammar, it is taught that 'How are you?' is to be replied with 'Fine, thank you'. Since the past few days this automated response has been pricking like a needle stuck in soul. Whenever someone calls/chats/leaves a message, I feel like screaming - 'No buddy I am not fine.' But I know that even that would elicit some more questioning, and I just dont have the replies for that. Most of them are my own undoings. Even to family (whether through calls or chats) I simply mumble the standard reply. They wouldnt understand. And I cant explain. Which actually leaves this place as a last resort to spill the bile out. Not that it helps. But still, it feels that I am talking to someone without being cross questioned.

On my other blog also, the mood has changed a bit, even though I did not mean to do it. I guess, the blog and the blogger cannot be separated; and, often what the latter feels comes through sub-consciously on the former.

Life is overall a complete stand still right now. Any effort to push it brings myriad dreams but no single realisation. I have stopped doing that now, till the time someone comes and shoves me.

It is strange that for the past two years things have gone so woefully off track that I just cannot find my bearings. Even the mantra of living a day as it comes, and to find happiness in small things is taking its heavy toll. I cannot continue doing it.

Sigh - its another weekend around the corner. Monday brings boss here. I have no good foreboding about his visit. Even though I await it, I just hope the shove is not here this soon. I am not really ready for it. Or am I?