Well, I never claimed that I will be speaking the truth here.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Early Morning
Today morning I woke up at 4:30 am - I dont recall whether it was due to a dream or otherwise, but it felt awfully painfull: you know, the sort of dull fear that drones somewhere inside you, like a distant rumbling of an oncoming storm. I paced the room and peeped out of the window. The dawn was just about to crack open; a few eager roosters had started there wake up calls; the sky looked foreboding as if challenging the sun to rip it apart. Alas, how would the sky know that the sun would tear its cloak into shreds just minutes away. Instead of thinking, I focussed on completing a few pending mails and a couple of other things. It sort of worked. Closing the laptop, I lay down, switching off the fan. It was a bit cold. My eyes again fell on the crack between the curtains - the day had begun. I closed my eyes in an effort to get sleep, and built castles in the skies of the darkened eyelids. Sleep eventually took over, and the next thing I know is my mobile's alarm ringing...and an ache in the entire body, especially the legs. The climb to a 213-stair tower a couple of days back was demanding its own pound of muscle!
It is my nephew's birthday, and I realise I had set the alarm at an earlier time than usual to catch him before he leaves for school. I call him up. And as I type this, I dont recall a single strand of conversation that I had with him. The log in my mobile shows I had called the number, else I am even ready to believe it was all in a dream. Since there was time, I lay back and closed eyes till it was my normal wake-up hour. I dont know when I slept again, but when I woke up it was way past the usual time. Guilt - get off my back!
With a Rakhi holiday on a Friday, I got a three day weekend. Of course, since head office was open, calls from there came on incessantly.
Sometimes interests take an obsessive form within me. I had recently discovered that a software could convert LP records/audio cassettes into MP3 files. Spent at least half a day trying to figure that out. Downloading is a pain here with abnormally slow connections. Anyways, since I do not have a tape-player also, I left that aside; and concentrated on getting software to rip DVD's. This time, I left downloading aside, and went off to New Road, a market place that has many shops for computers, accessories, CD's etc. Bought a pirated software CD called 'DVD Genie'; it sounded interesting. After a dull lunch of 'special Paav bhaaji' (awful to say the least), I returned and put on the CD. Every software was a 'trial version' - at Rs 100, I shouldnt have expected any better. Chucked the CD aside, and put on my music. Like always, watched time move, guilt gnawing that I should do something productive. But zilch. Both the heart and mind were paralyzed and the day ended.
Saturday woke up with a terrible back pain; it took a better part of the day. Again, a haze enveloped me; it seemed the entire hours were passing in some sort of cocoon, from where everything was muted and subdued. It was dreamlike - sorry, nightmare like. And to make matters worse, I also had a nightmare! The pain became unbearable by late afternoon, so I tried to call up the Ayurved Health Center to fix an appointment for massage. The number did not work; their web site also was defunct; probably they have closed shop!
Sunday was quite similar to Saturday; the parity of days has lost meaning with me now. In the evening, shaking off lethargy, I went to a famous temple. As soon as I reached, it started to pour cats and dogs. I got drenched. It felt nice - the shirt sticking to the skin; the jeans falling heavily on my waist; the feet squelching in the puddles. I stayed there till sun-set. And even took a walk in the 'Shivling-maze' - probably, sub-consciously, I was challenging God. Or probably, and more practically, I was just trying to play a martyred hero from some c-grade bollywood film! On the way back, picked up two DVD's. My DVD drive on laptop has really conked off badly - neither of them worked. Rs 500 washed away! A fear clenched me - I was also running short of money; and payday was still some ten days away.
Sometimes its not about success per se. It is about confidence. Self confidence, rather. Today I feel I have lost it. I have sunk deep into a hopeless quagmire. The slush around me is dark, deep and ominous. Coming out needs efforts. The energy is sapped. Since the effort is not full fledged, more failures come by. Another failure and the barometer of confidence plummets further - nearly fatal levels - it is a damning vicious circle. The alarm bells are ringing, psychedelic panic lights are blinking, nagging vibrations are buzzing. All this only aids to elevate than alleviate the problem.
Yet, at another level it is not about hardwork alone. There is destiny somewhere around. It tugs and tosses humans in random motions. It is like the tide that can tosses the boat anyway it pleases. After success reaches you, it is easy to brush off destiny. Every successful person does it. It is not right. Success is a combination of work and luck- in even proportions. One wrong ingredient, the concoction is failure. And till the time you swim in murky failed waters, you can feel destiny's hot and vile breath on your neck - wringing your collar, strangulating your life-force.
Sample this - I give a proposal to a company. At this stage it has become 'the' deal. Everyone is watching me to close it. But, it is stuck. Will two visits a week move the deal, rather than one? Maybe. Maybe not. Why cannot it come through on its own, considering that my portion is over? Why do I have to do these 'rigorous follow ups' - and dammit, its more than six months now. I guess my one-half ingredient is fetid. Fragrance of success will elude me some more.
Anyways, no more cribbing. I have lost it. And given it up. Now, the point is how to put it across to powers-that-be. Maybe, the need will not arise. I talked about something developing. Perhaps I will find an easy route out. Hell, again I have to rely on the same destiny. So, it means that development will not pull through? If not, then why was I shown that dream? Can someone up there stop showing me dreams that will not see reality? I did not go out looking for that dream. Thank you, it was sent to me. On my gmail account. Now, if it has to be fulfilled, can someone up there please hurry it up also?
Destiny - trust me, I love you. And please be with me. I am a weak person. I need successes to carry on. Else, the pain of holding my disintegrating self together is killing me!
Well, not much of a title, but could not think of anything better. Cool, I realise another month has gone by since the last post. And have we inched forward one bit? Seemingly yes, actually no. The crazed deal I talked about is still stuck. Even the powers-that-be back at head office have dropped all notions of propriety, and demand an immediate action or explanation. I have neither. The other deal got nixed due to approval hassles; it wasnt my fault, so I was safe. Instead, I have got an alternate plan working; it seems to be going good - at least till now, it is. The applications have not returned except for one odd still-birth. Time has suddenly lost essence. Each day simply passes. It will continue to pass. When will it start to breath again?
