People
Today I read a short story in which a sentence caught my attention. It was about a house-wife, and the author had mentioned about the 'love-hate' relationship that she had developed with her loneliness; so much so, that the lady in the story started to get irritated by the presence of her own husband and children on weekends. Yet, on the weekdays, she pines for the same company that she shuns on those two days. Split personality,eh? Not really. Loneliness can be a devilish bed-mate to have in life. It is foul, uncouth, dirty and obnoxious. At the same time, it is addictive and habitual.
I suffer from the same.
The purpose of the post was about 'people', as mentioned in the title as well. 'People' are the anti-dote to loneliness; or at least, they are the best ones. A uni-logue (my word, as opposed to a dia-logue) with a book or a song or a TV show can assuage the same, but the affect is short-lived. Often, it can only elevate than alleviate the disease.
Despite being in the marketing/sales line (the sharp difference between the two is lost in our sub-continent), talking to people comes to me as naturally as turning vegetarian comes to a lion. I could not have chosen a worst career decision ever. Yet, given my laziness and lethargic demeanor that was the easiest to do. But more on that later sometime.
I can have a thousand conversations running within the stifled confines of my brain. But the same get woefully weakened as soon as they are brought out into the open. Small talk ( a must for any one in the field that I am in ) is something that I detest. I cannot do it. When I try to force the gush of the conversation, it ends up in the weak stream which would even make the trickle of Rajasthan desert taps look like Niagara Falls. Often, I have watched with awe (and envy) at people indulging in small talks, bringing up myriad topics and keeping the conversation alive. One of my superiors is a master in this. I try to learn from him, but I guess my disposition is a very bad pupil. It fails all the time.
Out of the professional realm, people have a strange effect. I cannot open to them the way I want to; certainly, not the candid way that I am doing it here on this page. Yet, once I have opened myself, I cannot retract back. Often, I come on them strongly; or, perhaps cross the threshold of friendship's propriety. Admittedly, I do cross this threshold, only to be whisked away by the deadly Ravan of shamelessness; my heart, brain and soul scream out the cries of help but I keep flying against the harsh winds bruising my ego, ultimately to be thrown into a fantastic but lonely garden of solitary confinement; the person will ultimately object to this sudden onslaught of attention, quite naturally. Perhaps, I am childish and juvenile. I have crossed thirty, but the mind stays on at thirteen, where the novelty of a person or thing attracts forcefully, to the extent that I can discard off my duties and responsibilities!
In all this, there is something else that gets missed out. Trust. One cannot bind anything with water; one cannot bind with another without trust. Yet, trust is in a negative balance in my life's account. It could be because of the lack of trustworthy people that have stepped into my life. But, to say that all of them have not been so sounds hard to digest. There has to be something wrong with me, no? Either I expect too much (again, the 'coming out too strong' syndrome) or I get too less. I reckon the former is truer.
I wish I could set the control button to my emotions and feelings and thoughts and conversations and jokes and tantrums and expectations and trust and faith and attitude and friendship and care to a 'medium' button.
Is it possible?
I am trying. The luck has been hard till now, and I have completed more than 25% of my life (the average life span of an Indian male).
I hope I succeed. Without any more bruises, that is!
I suffer from the same.
The purpose of the post was about 'people', as mentioned in the title as well. 'People' are the anti-dote to loneliness; or at least, they are the best ones. A uni-logue (my word, as opposed to a dia-logue) with a book or a song or a TV show can assuage the same, but the affect is short-lived. Often, it can only elevate than alleviate the disease.
Despite being in the marketing/sales line (the sharp difference between the two is lost in our sub-continent), talking to people comes to me as naturally as turning vegetarian comes to a lion. I could not have chosen a worst career decision ever. Yet, given my laziness and lethargic demeanor that was the easiest to do. But more on that later sometime.
I can have a thousand conversations running within the stifled confines of my brain. But the same get woefully weakened as soon as they are brought out into the open. Small talk ( a must for any one in the field that I am in ) is something that I detest. I cannot do it. When I try to force the gush of the conversation, it ends up in the weak stream which would even make the trickle of Rajasthan desert taps look like Niagara Falls. Often, I have watched with awe (and envy) at people indulging in small talks, bringing up myriad topics and keeping the conversation alive. One of my superiors is a master in this. I try to learn from him, but I guess my disposition is a very bad pupil. It fails all the time.
Out of the professional realm, people have a strange effect. I cannot open to them the way I want to; certainly, not the candid way that I am doing it here on this page. Yet, once I have opened myself, I cannot retract back. Often, I come on them strongly; or, perhaps cross the threshold of friendship's propriety. Admittedly, I do cross this threshold, only to be whisked away by the deadly Ravan of shamelessness; my heart, brain and soul scream out the cries of help but I keep flying against the harsh winds bruising my ego, ultimately to be thrown into a fantastic but lonely garden of solitary confinement; the person will ultimately object to this sudden onslaught of attention, quite naturally. Perhaps, I am childish and juvenile. I have crossed thirty, but the mind stays on at thirteen, where the novelty of a person or thing attracts forcefully, to the extent that I can discard off my duties and responsibilities!
In all this, there is something else that gets missed out. Trust. One cannot bind anything with water; one cannot bind with another without trust. Yet, trust is in a negative balance in my life's account. It could be because of the lack of trustworthy people that have stepped into my life. But, to say that all of them have not been so sounds hard to digest. There has to be something wrong with me, no? Either I expect too much (again, the 'coming out too strong' syndrome) or I get too less. I reckon the former is truer.
I wish I could set the control button to my emotions and feelings and thoughts and conversations and jokes and tantrums and expectations and trust and faith and attitude and friendship and care to a 'medium' button.
Is it possible?
I am trying. The luck has been hard till now, and I have completed more than 25% of my life (the average life span of an Indian male).
I hope I succeed. Without any more bruises, that is!
posted by Not A Nice Person To Know at 10:39 pm
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